a conversation between sides

you ask
how sacrifice
builds.

you ask
how loss
strengthens.

you ask
how broken
people
mend other
broken people.

keep asking,
and i will show you

my mother
and her pharmacy degree
tucked away in a home office.

my father
and how he leads in a room
where my grandfather’s voice still
rings.

my yinyin and yeye
and plastic flowers
we put near gravestones.

my popo
and how she refuses
to leave the house
my mom bought for her.

you ask
how is this a dream.

keep asking,
and i will show you

photo albums, army trunks, mahjong tiles.

keep asking,
and i will show you

rain-damaged letters, ink-stained newspapers, calligraphy brushes.

keep asking,
and i will show you

rice flour, reused pie tins, boiling water.

you ask
isn’t this America?

keep asking,
and i will say
this is the America i know.

keep asking,
and i will say
this is the life we have made.

keep asking
and i will want to show you
to the door.

instead i ask,
what does your America look like?
how different does your love look?
what does your America have that i cannot find in mine?

Advertisements

when things aren’t good.

i carry fear
like breadcrumbs;

leave a trail behind
so i know
how to get back to
broken.

there will be a time
for maps
later.

there will be a time
for arrows pointing
north.

there will be a time
for warm lighting,
soft pillows,
writing our feelings.

but for now,
there is dark.
there is cold.
there is never-ending
silence.

for now,
there are bedsheets.

for now,
there are silver spoons,
frozen fingers,
half-eaten pints of ice cream.

for now,
there are tear-soaked
sleeves

for now,
there is sleep.

and when the morning comes
here,
it is still dark.
it is still cold.
it is still silent.

Happy Tunesday: Collection 65

I told myself I would focus on getting my life together. But, of course, I’m sitting and listening to new music.

The first tunesday of 2018 is Raveena‘s newest EP. I first heard her stuff when I was living in Southern California. My best friend and I were obsessed with Johnny, it’s the Last Time. Since then, Raveena released Shanti, a soothing and sweet compilation of jazzy, R&B vibes.

I wouldn’t have known she had new music out if it wasn’t for my pal, Sharon, who shared a live recording of If Only with me.

Let me just say, I’ll be jamming out to all of Raveena’s old and new stuff for the next week as I try and get myself prepped for a new semester.

What are some songs you’re listening to as you start the new year? Share them with me below!

xoxo.

Happy TunesDay: Collection 64

The end is nigh and I’ll be home home home in less than a week.

But, before that, I have to pull through the rest of this semester.

I’m taking a finals week break to share this playlist with y’all (okay, to be honest, this is my 50th break in the span of 3.6 hours…I’m human).

I cozied up to this playlist yesterday while writing into the night. Music is a real mood changer, because even though it felt like I was drowning in work and reading and too many word documents, I couldn’t help but feel groovy and great with this playlist.

This morning, I woke to snow…I’ll be real with y’all. Snow is magical. It’s beautiful and refreshing and lovely…for a good ten minutes. Then your face feels numb, you lose all feelings in your fingertips, and you can feel your heart rate slow in order to preserve your dear life.

It’s a good thing my walk to campus from my apartment is only fifteen minutes long.

Anyway, I hope that y’all enjoy the playlist as much as I do.

Wishing you all a safe and warm wintery week.

 

Happy TunesDay: Collection 63

It’s been a while since I put out another TunesDay playlist. In the midst of trying to stay afloat during this semester, I definitely put my blog on the backburner.  But, I’ve been collecting songs to incorporate into new playlists for you all!

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to push out a playlist on Soundcloud considering some of the songs I wanted to use weren’t available on the site, but I made this one on my Spotify account.  Hopefully y’all can access it alright!

This particular playlist (entitled: sad boi feels aesthetic because there really isn’t another way to characterize it) has been keeping me company on chilly Pittsburgh nights and during my morning walks to campus.

The 1975 definitely produce my go-to sad boi songs, but I’m really starting to dig LANY. Their tune, 4EVER!, has been on repeat. It’s slightly akin to Carly Rae Jepsen’s synthpop/80’s-vibe album, Emotion. All in all, I can’t complain. Even sad bois need some synthpop lovin’.

What are some of your go-to sad boi feels song choices?

Share them with me and I might add them in!

 

entitled.

i have choked
on questions–
felt lumps in my throat,
gasped for air and clawed at words

on mattresses,
in living rooms,
on doorsteps,
in bathrooms.

questioned my own
power,
will,
worth.

was made to think
that another’s
desire
trumped
my dignity.

thought that “no means no”
and “yes”
was “yes”, full stop.

and so,
i did not know how to
explain away
my discomfort;

reassured myself
that it was
timing,
temporary,
an instance in a sea of
options.

tried to give excuses
for why men
always
take
without
asking.

there is something
so soul-crushing, heartbreaking, stomach-turning
about living in this body.

i wonder
why we continue
hoping or loving or forgiving
at all.

maybe there is something to be said
about the strength
of a womxn.

but even that strength
men feel
entitled to.

for once
can’t we have something
that is just
ours?