It’s been a long weekend for me–one full of emotional inner turmoil and questions about what my future holds & what life I want to lead.
If you want to read about my cuh-razy emotional rollercoaster a lá California Adventures theme park, continue on. If not, skip down to the playlist and GET YOUR VALENTINE’S SELF-LOVING GROOVE ON.
This weekend, I had my second experience being a group leader for Hive‘s Global Leader Program, and that led to a lot of inner dialogue about how I interact with new people around me and what being a vulnerable & authentic person really means.
I went through the first two days not really feeling as high energy as I normally am, and for those of you who know me, HIGH ENERGY is my middle name (actually it’s “noelle”, but whatever). And, I couldn’t really figure out entirely what was happening with me. Was it the energy from the rest of the group that was mellowing me out, or was something deeper happening? I still haven’t come to any strong conclusions, but I think it was a mixture of the two. But, I realized that something that’s not high energy isn’t necessarily bad, but just different. And I need to learn how to be more okay with the silence and listening to what’s happening inside of me. Figuring out my own feelings makes me incredibly uncomfortable, but there’s a sort of peace within that discomfort that I’m still sorting through.
All I can conclude from this weekend is that although there are lots of improvements to be made within Hive and the program, ultimately the people who make up that community are continuously evolving, and that gives me a lot of hope about our future.
So, TO THE PLAYLIST… At first, I wanted to compile a dance-alone-in-your-room-while-pretending-you-have-a-place-to-go-but-really-you’re-just-staying-home-in-pajamas-and-bingewatching-Broad-City sort of playlist. But as I was going through my list of possible tunes to mesh together, I couldn’t only use those kinds of songs. As much as I love the Queen B and jamming out because I am a single lady, compiling something of that nature felt disingenuous to how I’m feeling.
It’s probably because I’m ruminating on all these emotions from the past four days, but Valentine’s Day is so annoying. Because Valentine’s Day builds up this idea that you have to extravagantly express your love for a significant other on a particular day, but also that romantic love is the only love worth buying heart-shaped boxes of chocolate for.
I know there’s been a popularization of the term Galentine’s Day, in which womxn celebrate their bonds with their other womxn friends, but to only have those two options (expressing romantic affection or solely friendship between the same genders) seems awfully limiting.
That’s what I really love about my time whenever I’m entrenched in the Hive community. Love really takes all shapes and forms. Across generations, genders, professional titles, and all sorts of isolating terminologies.
This playlist is an attempt at encompassing the range of emotions I feel whenever Valentine’s Day (and Hive GLPs) come around. Because I love so many people and for so many reasons, and if I’m being really honest, I don’t think I am missing out that much on not having a romantic partner at this point in my life. I feel completely and fully whole, which is a really beautiful thing considering my past. Maybe I’ll feel differently tomorrow (because I’m a human AND I CAN FEEL A RANGE OF FEELINGS AND THAT’S OKAY). But, for now, I’m content.
Sending you love and joy and a calm heart during this sometimes tumultuous “holiday”.
WITH CONSENTFUL HUGS & KISSES,